I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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