the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
pray to the hookup gods
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
