Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
