Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
