I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
