I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
