i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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