I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just cropdusted the office
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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