Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
