creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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