You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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