I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
