Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
