The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
