I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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