I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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