she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
