Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
