im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
