Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
