apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
