birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
