The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Randomize
