I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
