using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
