I think i peed on brittanys purse
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
