mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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