I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
So apparently I’m into choking now
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
