your parents love me but you hate me
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
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