and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
