nut hugger
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
