Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
