i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
