I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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