I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
