I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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