I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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