don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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