so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
