Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
