I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
