I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
