i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
