In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
