Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
