I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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