I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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