Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
