How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
