i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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