I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
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Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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