i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
