omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
