This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
