I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
